a portrait of me

What If?
What if I turned my back?
What if I ran away?
What if I refused to care?
What if I said "fuck you"?
What if I decided I didn't want any of this anymore?
What if I admitted that I'm messed up?
What if I accepted defeat?
What if?


These questions don't matter at all, not even a little bit.
They are all speculative and it's all bullshit
That will never come to be,
Because it isn't who I am and in no way is it me.

I'd never turn my back.
I could never run away.
I'm not strong enough.
I'm not weak enough, either.
Refusing to care would be like refusing to breathe.
Fuck you.
There. I said it. Do I mean it?
No.
Not towards you.
Or you.
And no, not even you.
Not want this? I AM this.
This is me and I know nothing else.
Admit that I'm messed up? Gladly. 
I'm messed up. 
Now what? 
That's exactly what I thought.
How could I ever accept defeat? 
I don't even know the meaning of the word,
And I refuse to learn.

I am so happy and I am so blessed.
But sometimes I just want to rip my heart right out of my fucking chest.